MIssin you baby

   It's so funny, but I enjoy writing on this board b/c it's like therapy for me.  I don't have

more than a handful of followers, and I doubt they read this blog.  But for me it's good.

I am amazed to say that I was pregnant.  I had a life growing inside me, but it was way way

tpo short.  6 weeks if that according to the RE.  Well it ended up being 9 weeks by the time the

baby completely stopped growing.   I couldn't believe the blessing that we were able to get pregnant on 

our first attempt of IVF.  It was surreal.  I guess I built myself up so much for the possibility that it 

wouldn't work, that I forgot that the possibility of miscarriage was there.  Maybe too I felt that if God let

this miracle happen, it would be for the whole pregnancy until we got to hold that darling in my arms.

But it was not for the whole pregnancy.  It was a short but oh so blissful 6 weeks.  And to say the least....

I am missing you baby.  Everyday.

I wish I had a microscope

 Seriously,  I wish I had a microscope to look inside my uterus to see what is going on.  Quick update:  We finally with the help of amazing family, friends, and the Grace of God made it to our first IVF.  I can't believe it!  I am so excited and grateful.  6 1/2 years after trying to figure out how to have a baby.  We get to this point.  After so many discussions, tears, plea bargains :-) We are here!  No matter the outcome (which I pray is a baby) we are so lucky to be fortunate to go through this process.
  So about that microscope.  Wouldn't it just ease our minds to be able to see how the embryos nestle into the cushy lining and grow grow grow?  In my mind I am playing this visual over and over.  Welcoming these tiny beings into our lives.  It's a miracle that we even got this far.  And now we wait and hope and pray.  All in all it is God's will and I take comfort in the fact that we have done all we can do and the rest is up to the Universe.  
Happy in Waiting, Anxious and hopeful.  Trying my hardest not to take those hpt.  ha!

Gratitude revisited

Has anyone ever told you to think positive....things will happen for you.   I have heard this quite a lot lately and my whole life come to think of it.   In church this Sunday the priest even talked about giving thanks for what you do have in your life.
   I like this message.  Power of Attraction they call it.  Positive thoughts, positive things will come.
While I am an optimist most of the time, I am also a realist.  But today I just have to say I am extremely grateful.
  I visited a friend of my in the hospital today.  She is young and otherwise healthy, but she has serious issues with her kidneys.  Life threatening issues.  And she is looks and acts as if nothing is happening.
So going to visit her in the hospital was a no brain er.  I wanted to be there for her.  I wanted to help.  But it wasn't until I left the hospital on my way home that I started to get uneasy.  Scared really.  Being in the hospital seeing her so vulnerable reminded me of when I was sick.  It reminded me of the feeling that I had to be in the hospital and could not leave.  As I left her alone there in that hospital room I was sad that she had to be alone with all these strange people.  It's crazy how our health system works.
So anyways on my drive home I found myself reciting the "Our Father" over and over and seriously thanking God and Mary and all the angels in heaven for my health.  Here I think about not being able to have a child "naturally"  but God has given me the gift of health.   I can run, jump, eat, drink, laugh, speak, cry, swim, clean, and serve others.  What blessings I have.   And I am full of gratefulness.

East Coast West Coast

  We went to my cousin's wedding this past weekend and it was on the East Coast.   It was beautiful.  New Hampshire. Atlantic Ocean.  Country club, tent, open bar, harvest moon.  Really a magical night.  It was so amazing because my cousin has been through sooo much in his life.  He lost his dad, my uncle, when he was only 10 or so to suicide.  I love my uncle and my aunt so much, and I miss my uncle a lot.  He is my dad's brother.  During the mass the priest talked about how in life we have all these expectations.  He said the moment you two were born your parents looked at you, held you, and those expectations were so fresh.  They expected to hold you, for you to cry, for you to learn and grow.  ( I about lost it because all I could think about was my aunt and how she probably thought of her husband who is now gone.)
Anyways.  It was magical.  My aunt was beaming all night long.  My aunt now has a fiance who is AMAZING!  He is so sweet and loves her as she deserves to be loved and treated.  So after all these years.  After everything was basically torn from my cousin and Aunt's life, there is beauty again and hope.  We could never have predicted how things would turn out with them.  And it's not over for sure.  But it was so beautiful.  So beautiful.  I left the East coast after that wedding with a sense of hope.  A sense of hope that all things that happen to us do not define us.  It's how we persevere and keep on living and adding to the good in life that matters.
   So as I flew across the country back to the West coast.  I also realized that I love the pacific ocean.  Well I love any ocean, but particularly the pacific.  I love that the sun sets in the West.  That the surf is good here, that my home is here, and mostly that for a moment in time all is how it should be in the world.  For that I am extremely grateful to God.

What to do next

We all come to these times in our lives where we must decide what to do next.   What is the best decision.  How will we pull through.  Some of us reach this crossroad frequently.  Others not so much.  But what if you literally can not move forward?  What if you stay at the crossroad forever?  Is that even an option?  I surely hope not.  

    So many days I wake up and think....what if today God decided to bless us with a child as a surprise.  What if today I don't get my period because I am pregnant and not because I am in menopause.  Would that heal all our scars.  Would that make my relationship with my husband all better?  I don't know.  I don't know because it has never happened to us.  Will it ever?

Will I ever feel like I am a good wife because I am the mother my husband always dreamed I would be.  Will I ever see my husband be the father I have dreamed him to be.  Will we ever be the parents we both envisioned when we committed till death do we part.  

    The hardest part is when do you finally decide that the pain of getting over infertility is less than the pain of passing on your genes, carrying a baby, and being with that child from day one.

How do I pick the next road?  

Whooping Cough

Guess what.... I have whooping cough.  This old school, should not exist, and horrible infection.  It's been almost 3 weeks!  I could not breath for a while and woke up 4 times a night gasping for air.  UGH!  NOT FUN!
   But today I woke up and realized I slept through the night and didn't wake up from coughing.  AMAZING!  Being sick like that makes me remember when I was really really ill.  When I had cancer and it broke me down to tears just to get up in the morning.  When I could barely walk to the bathroom without passing out.  When I thought I was celebrating my last birthday.   Being sick does that to me....it makes me remember that hard time I went through.  Fighting for my life back then was even harder than infertility.  I never thought I would say that, because infertility feels like it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  However when I am sick again, I remember.....I could not have existed today because of cancer.  I am still here despite my infertility.  That's a big deal for me.  A big realization.
    When I started this blog I remembered the plea bargains I used to make with God and my family to let me live.  To let me survive cancer.  And I did!  Not because of plea bargaining, but because there is some purpose for me to still be here.  For a while I always thought my purpose was to give birth to a child and pass on my husband and my genes.  But it's not.  It's to adopt.  It's to be a loving wife, daughter, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, coworker, and one day mother.  I know we will have a family through adoption when it is the right time for us.  I will always have hope that one of my so called non existent eggs will be fertilized, but I will not let it rule my life anymore.  I have love to give others, and I need to share my love.  That's it.  So thanks nasty whooping cough for reminding me.  I needed that.  (although I could do without the lack of oxygen)

My lessons from a donor egg journey.

Since my last square 1 post much has happened.  Well "much" in my world is really not
that much.  So we didn't even get to the retrieval phase of my sis in law donating her eggs to
us because of medical reasons.  Ok fine.  So then I realized I must get pregnant, I must give my
amazing husband who I have known and loved since high school a child.  I must must must get
pregnant.  (I am sure you all here know that musty feeling).
Well therefore against the very fiber of my being we found a donor egg agency, met with the
agency, advertised for a donor with our requirements, found a donor, signed a contract, paid bunches of
dolla bills.... got an ultrasound to check my lining and bam:  my doctor says I have a follicle on my ovary.
I thought nothing of it, but my husband pushes me to ask the doctor more about this little follie.
So re doc suggests we do a stimulation cycle.  Why not... it can't hurt and we have never tried it.

Well I will tell you why not.  Because when you have been told for 9 years that you will never have your own biological child and when you have moved on to donor egg b/c it's your last option for carrying on your husbands genes.... you kind of bury, mourn, and forget about that dream of having a child with you husband.   So just as we think it's in bad form to dig up a grave, I did not want to dig up that nice plot of land where I had buried my dream of passing on my genes.  Flowers were growing on it, the grass was lush.

Alas, we tried it.  We did the cycle, and it didn't work.  The follicle is long gone which was expected in my mind.

The funny thing is that is not the hard part.  The hard part is there is some synapse in my brain that keeps pushing me to not give up.  Some loose wire up there that still thinks I will get pregnant naturally, and without the help of western medicine.  It's crazy I know, logically I know.  But I can't shake it.  I really really want to shake it, but it keeps haunting me.  Like the other week I woke up from a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  It was the most real feeling I have ever experienced and I even took a pregnancy test that day which turned out negative.   I don't know.  Where do we start saying to ourselves enough already.  When do our hopes become obsessions.  I don't want to send myself to the loony bin, but I truly feel our bodies tell us things and we have to listen.

So here is what I have learned from this last western medicine attempt to have a child...
I realize I am done using reproductive endocrinologist.  I am done getting vaginal ultrasounds and pumping my body with synthetic drugs.  I am ready to feel whole again and let nature take it's course.
I have listened to my body and the intense urge I feel to not do donor egg.  I thought it would be the right option for us,  but after some work with a healer and deep introspection I realize it is not a good option.   I don't disagree with it in any way, it's just my body said no, and I listened.

So here I go.  Starting on a new leaf of truly sinking into what my body wants and listening.  Not just in way of having a family either.  Everything.  I am here to listen.