Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Whooping Cough

Guess what.... I have whooping cough.  This old school, should not exist, and horrible infection.  It's been almost 3 weeks!  I could not breath for a while and woke up 4 times a night gasping for air.  UGH!  NOT FUN!
   But today I woke up and realized I slept through the night and didn't wake up from coughing.  AMAZING!  Being sick like that makes me remember when I was really really ill.  When I had cancer and it broke me down to tears just to get up in the morning.  When I could barely walk to the bathroom without passing out.  When I thought I was celebrating my last birthday.   Being sick does that to makes me remember that hard time I went through.  Fighting for my life back then was even harder than infertility.  I never thought I would say that, because infertility feels like it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  However when I am sick again, I remember.....I could not have existed today because of cancer.  I am still here despite my infertility.  That's a big deal for me.  A big realization.
    When I started this blog I remembered the plea bargains I used to make with God and my family to let me live.  To let me survive cancer.  And I did!  Not because of plea bargaining, but because there is some purpose for me to still be here.  For a while I always thought my purpose was to give birth to a child and pass on my husband and my genes.  But it's not.  It's to adopt.  It's to be a loving wife, daughter, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, coworker, and one day mother.  I know we will have a family through adoption when it is the right time for us.  I will always have hope that one of my so called non existent eggs will be fertilized, but I will not let it rule my life anymore.  I have love to give others, and I need to share my love.  That's it.  So thanks nasty whooping cough for reminding me.  I needed that.  (although I could do without the lack of oxygen)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My lessons from a donor egg journey.

Since my last square 1 post much has happened.  Well "much" in my world is really not
that much.  So we didn't even get to the retrieval phase of my sis in law donating her eggs to
us because of medical reasons.  Ok fine.  So then I realized I must get pregnant, I must give my
amazing husband who I have known and loved since high school a child.  I must must must get
pregnant.  (I am sure you all here know that musty feeling).
Well therefore against the very fiber of my being we found a donor egg agency, met with the
agency, advertised for a donor with our requirements, found a donor, signed a contract, paid bunches of
dolla bills.... got an ultrasound to check my lining and bam:  my doctor says I have a follicle on my ovary.
I thought nothing of it, but my husband pushes me to ask the doctor more about this little follie.
So re doc suggests we do a stimulation cycle.  Why not... it can't hurt and we have never tried it.

Well I will tell you why not.  Because when you have been told for 9 years that you will never have your own biological child and when you have moved on to donor egg b/c it's your last option for carrying on your husbands genes.... you kind of bury, mourn, and forget about that dream of having a child with you husband.   So just as we think it's in bad form to dig up a grave, I did not want to dig up that nice plot of land where I had buried my dream of passing on my genes.  Flowers were growing on it, the grass was lush.

Alas, we tried it.  We did the cycle, and it didn't work.  The follicle is long gone which was expected in my mind.

The funny thing is that is not the hard part.  The hard part is there is some synapse in my brain that keeps pushing me to not give up.  Some loose wire up there that still thinks I will get pregnant naturally, and without the help of western medicine.  It's crazy I know, logically I know.  But I can't shake it.  I really really want to shake it, but it keeps haunting me.  Like the other week I woke up from a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  It was the most real feeling I have ever experienced and I even took a pregnancy test that day which turned out negative.   I don't know.  Where do we start saying to ourselves enough already.  When do our hopes become obsessions.  I don't want to send myself to the loony bin, but I truly feel our bodies tell us things and we have to listen.

So here is what I have learned from this last western medicine attempt to have a child...
I realize I am done using reproductive endocrinologist.  I am done getting vaginal ultrasounds and pumping my body with synthetic drugs.  I am ready to feel whole again and let nature take it's course.
I have listened to my body and the intense urge I feel to not do donor egg.  I thought it would be the right option for us,  but after some work with a healer and deep introspection I realize it is not a good option.   I don't disagree with it in any way, it's just my body said no, and I listened.

So here I go.  Starting on a new leaf of truly sinking into what my body wants and listening.  Not just in way of having a family either.  Everything.  I am here to listen.