Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My lessons from a donor egg journey.

Since my last square 1 post much has happened.  Well "much" in my world is really not
that much.  So we didn't even get to the retrieval phase of my sis in law donating her eggs to
us because of medical reasons.  Ok fine.  So then I realized I must get pregnant, I must give my
amazing husband who I have known and loved since high school a child.  I must must must get
pregnant.  (I am sure you all here know that musty feeling).
Well therefore against the very fiber of my being we found a donor egg agency, met with the
agency, advertised for a donor with our requirements, found a donor, signed a contract, paid bunches of
dolla bills.... got an ultrasound to check my lining and bam:  my doctor says I have a follicle on my ovary.
I thought nothing of it, but my husband pushes me to ask the doctor more about this little follie.
So re doc suggests we do a stimulation cycle.  Why not... it can't hurt and we have never tried it.

Well I will tell you why not.  Because when you have been told for 9 years that you will never have your own biological child and when you have moved on to donor egg b/c it's your last option for carrying on your husbands genes.... you kind of bury, mourn, and forget about that dream of having a child with you husband.   So just as we think it's in bad form to dig up a grave, I did not want to dig up that nice plot of land where I had buried my dream of passing on my genes.  Flowers were growing on it, the grass was lush.

Alas, we tried it.  We did the cycle, and it didn't work.  The follicle is long gone which was expected in my mind.

The funny thing is that is not the hard part.  The hard part is there is some synapse in my brain that keeps pushing me to not give up.  Some loose wire up there that still thinks I will get pregnant naturally, and without the help of western medicine.  It's crazy I know, logically I know.  But I can't shake it.  I really really want to shake it, but it keeps haunting me.  Like the other week I woke up from a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  It was the most real feeling I have ever experienced and I even took a pregnancy test that day which turned out negative.   I don't know.  Where do we start saying to ourselves enough already.  When do our hopes become obsessions.  I don't want to send myself to the loony bin, but I truly feel our bodies tell us things and we have to listen.

So here is what I have learned from this last western medicine attempt to have a child...
I realize I am done using reproductive endocrinologist.  I am done getting vaginal ultrasounds and pumping my body with synthetic drugs.  I am ready to feel whole again and let nature take it's course.
I have listened to my body and the intense urge I feel to not do donor egg.  I thought it would be the right option for us,  but after some work with a healer and deep introspection I realize it is not a good option.   I don't disagree with it in any way, it's just my body said no, and I listened.

So here I go.  Starting on a new leaf of truly sinking into what my body wants and listening.  Not just in way of having a family either.  Everything.  I am here to listen.

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