Guess what.... I have whooping cough. This old school, should not exist, and horrible infection. It's been almost 3 weeks! I could not breath for a while and woke up 4 times a night gasping for air. UGH! NOT FUN!
But today I woke up and realized I slept through the night and didn't wake up from coughing. AMAZING! Being sick like that makes me remember when I was really really ill. When I had cancer and it broke me down to tears just to get up in the morning. When I could barely walk to the bathroom without passing out. When I thought I was celebrating my last birthday. Being sick does that to me....it makes me remember that hard time I went through. Fighting for my life back then was even harder than infertility. I never thought I would say that, because infertility feels like it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. However when I am sick again, I remember.....I could not have existed today because of cancer. I am still here despite my infertility. That's a big deal for me. A big realization.
When I started this blog I remembered the plea bargains I used to make with God and my family to let me live. To let me survive cancer. And I did! Not because of plea bargaining, but because there is some purpose for me to still be here. For a while I always thought my purpose was to give birth to a child and pass on my husband and my genes. But it's not. It's to adopt. It's to be a loving wife, daughter, aunt, sister, friend, cousin, coworker, and one day mother. I know we will have a family through adoption when it is the right time for us. I will always have hope that one of my so called non existent eggs will be fertilized, but I will not let it rule my life anymore. I have love to give others, and I need to share my love. That's it. So thanks nasty whooping cough for reminding me. I needed that. (although I could do without the lack of oxygen)